Not all wounds are visible

This is a hard blog for me to write. Its actually hard for me to get it out on paper!

June is PTSD awareness month! What is PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What is that in basic terms? It is somebody who has experienced or witnessed a terrifying thing or numerous things. Frankly that no-one should ever have to go through or see. Who is effected? Could be anyone! Why is this hard for me to talk about? Because i have it. I don’t like to use the word diagnosed, it sounds like a horrific disease!

Now i used to think PTSD was just what our soldiers have, i don’t know why, i think its because watching the news thats all they said when they mentioned PTSD! When i was in my late teens, they said i have PTSD. I thought how on earth can i have that? I haven’t got the ‘right’ to have that. I haven’t been to war and fought for my country! Why am i going through this?

The reason why is because i had a traumatic, terrifying childhood, I went through and seen things that some people, who have lived their whole life wouldn’t even believe would happen. And all this going into my brain, onto my little shoulders, without letting any of it out. After a while my brain just simply couldn’t cope and it broke, re-set.

My symptoms of PTSD i have experienced in the past (some present) :-

  • Reliving moments over and over again, the flashbacks are so real, like i am back there again.
  • Panic attacks
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Self harm
  • Certain triggers that make me feel scared
  • Hallucinations
  • Sudden mood changes
  • Anger over little things
  • Relating to people, certain stories that take you back there
  • Getting worked up
  • Blocking it out, pretending my childhood was perfect, or great, or even good, you know what i’d settle with okay!

The biggest one for me is guilt, i blame myself for a lot of things, realistically i know i couldn’t of changed/stopped a lot of things, well i am slowly getting to believe this. But even little things that go wrong in my life now i over-react because of bigger issues. I blame my self for everything!

Right. Phew. I am going to end this blog here as thats enough opening up for a day!

I will however do another blog on how i am getting through and coping with PTSD as i want to make more people aware and let go of this stigma!

But don’t let this blog make you feel sad or a bit shocked! Just think we are all still standing and we are all strong!!!

 

 

 

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