Anxiety strikes again

Well today anxiety is hitting me a lot!

I feel like I’m being strangled, I can’t breathe, I’m shaking, feel knackered! Have no willingness to do anything.

How on earth do I get over this? Today I’m finding it hard!

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Tick tock

Time goes so quickly. I was at the bus stop thinking & I overheard someone saying ‘I can’t believe it’s the sixth month’! Then I realised ‘oh my gosh it is June’! How does that happen?!

We go to work, finish and then go to bed. And repeat until it’s back to Monday again!

Before we know it it will be Christmas! And then 2019 here we come!

I think sometimes we need to stop getting in a the routine & start living! Make sure you experience life aswell as your day to day lives! You have something you want to do? Go on holiday! Learn that new skill! See that thing you’ve always wanted to! Spend time with people you love and who want to share life with you! Because before you know it, it’ll be Monday again.. and again!

Why can’t we succeed?

Hellooo Wednesday,

person doing thumbs up
Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

Went for my 12th driving lesson today and, well i am writing this so i survived, i actually think i am getting better! Before i went i had a sudden urge to do really well and to set myself some goals and push myself to achieve them! This wasn’t just in driving. My manager at work asked if, in the future, i would like to go on a course to get an amazing qualification. It involves a lot of assignments and getting your head down. At first i was like ‘oh no, i couldn’t’ and then the more encouragement she gave me, i felt excited and that ‘you know what? I could do this’. I would have something to aim for and when i pass and get more knowledge in what i am studying. How great would i feel?

Then usually, when it is my driving lesson in the evening, all day i get incredibly anxious, and think of all the bad things that could happen. But today i thought of all the good things that could happen, and that one more lesson down is closer to the day when i am confident and good at driving!

Both my instructor and my manager gave me encouragement and told me stories that they have done within what they would like me to do, and that boosted me so much! Knowing that they have felt how i was feeling and didn’t want to do something or felt nervous. Now look at them, they are confident and great at what they do! Made me think ‘if i keep going and be determined to achieve, why can’t i succeed’?

 

Not all wounds are visible

This is a hard blog for me to write. Its actually hard for me to get it out on paper!

June is PTSD awareness month! What is PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What is that in basic terms? It is somebody who has experienced or witnessed a terrifying thing or numerous things. Frankly that no-one should ever have to go through or see. Who is effected? Could be anyone! Why is this hard for me to talk about? Because i have it. I don’t like to use the word diagnosed, it sounds like a horrific disease!

Now i used to think PTSD was just what our soldiers have, i don’t know why, i think its because watching the news thats all they said when they mentioned PTSD! When i was in my late teens, they said i have PTSD. I thought how on earth can i have that? I haven’t got the ‘right’ to have that. I haven’t been to war and fought for my country! Why am i going through this?

The reason why is because i had a traumatic, terrifying childhood, I went through and seen things that some people, who have lived their whole life wouldn’t even believe would happen. And all this going into my brain, onto my little shoulders, without letting any of it out. After a while my brain just simply couldn’t cope and it broke, re-set.

My symptoms of PTSD i have experienced in the past (some present) :-

  • Reliving moments over and over again, the flashbacks are so real, like i am back there again.
  • Panic attacks
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Self harm
  • Certain triggers that make me feel scared
  • Hallucinations
  • Sudden mood changes
  • Anger over little things
  • Relating to people, certain stories that take you back there
  • Getting worked up
  • Blocking it out, pretending my childhood was perfect, or great, or even good, you know what i’d settle with okay!

The biggest one for me is guilt, i blame myself for a lot of things, realistically i know i couldn’t of changed/stopped a lot of things, well i am slowly getting to believe this. But even little things that go wrong in my life now i over-react because of bigger issues. I blame my self for everything!

Right. Phew. I am going to end this blog here as thats enough opening up for a day!

I will however do another blog on how i am getting through and coping with PTSD as i want to make more people aware and let go of this stigma!

But don’t let this blog make you feel sad or a bit shocked! Just think we are all still standing and we are all strong!!!

 

 

 

Me, being British.

I went to the hairdressers on the weekend, does anyone else find this a daunting experience? Now my usual hairdresser was fully booked when i had to go, so i had another lady. This is like cheating! I walked in and could feel my usual hairdresser’s eyes burning a hole in me! And then she came over and started making a small talk, now i couldn’t say ‘ oh i would of much preferred you’ because then the actual hairdresser doing my hair would just shave my hair off! You have to keep them sweet when they’re in charge of scissors and heat appliances!

I had to go on the hottest day of the year!! With all the hair dryers, straighteners, curlers etc. It was sweltering in there! My hair is super thick , so i am in there for hours to get anything done! I had a wash, cut and blow-dry and i asked for a certain hair ‘do’. The hairdresser was doing it and after she finished, she said is this okay? ‘NOOOOOO” this is not what the picture is!!! But of course i said ‘yes, its great, thank-you’! It is such a ‘British’ thing to do isn’t it? Just the same as queueing, saying ‘sorry’ all the time. Even when you have nothing to apologise for! Or holding a door open for about a year and not one person saying thank-you, so you mutter ‘no problem’ under your breath.

We never want to make a scene, we rarely say something to offend somebody. We hold it all in, and mutter under our breath. We are a polite nation! There is one thing that we all agree on that will cure any problem, a cup of tea! So anyhoo when i finished at the hairdressers instead of tweaking my hair slightly, i did pay for it so wanted to make the most of my money! I went home sucked up my hair-do and had a cuppa! After all it cures anything!

person holding white ceramic teapot on white wooden surface
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Weather ☔️☀️☃️🌪

Yesterday I was led in bed listening to the rain on the window, feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday I was ill. Why do you always get ill when you’re happy in life and have plans?!

The rain however was very soothing, little pitter patter’s on the window. When you’re feeling poorly and in a down mood, you don’t want it to be sunshine and a heat wave! I would of felt even worse and felt like I should of been happy and well!

Weather has a huge impact on people’s lives, when the sun is shining, you want to go outside and enjoy it! When it’s raining and dark, you would rather be inside and watch a film.

Imagine if it was sunny everyday, how much would everybody’s mood improve? People naturally have a smile on their face!

Let’s try and be in the same mood as we are when the sun is shining 🌞

I feel pretty! Spoiler!!

*Spoiler alert*

Girls!! You NEED to watch ‘I feel pretty’ i went to see it last night and it is amazing! A real inspirational film. It made me feel so empowered! I think every girl feels the way she does at the beginning of the film, you see all those model looking girls who we think are ‘perfect’ and have happy lives! When actually they are just like us and our looking around thinking the same! When she is doing her hair trying to follow the video…haven’t we all done that? Well we have tried!! And i have most certainly failed!

It is a comedy with all the jokes included but deep down has a sad, real message about insecurities and anxiety. Amy Schumer portrays her character perfectly! A great mixture of funny with serious.

I cried at the end of the film! Actually had tears streaming down my face in the cinema! When she realises she has always looked the same way and achieved so much more not because of the way she looked but the way she held herself! She oozed confidence, because she felt good in herself and when she did,  no-one could tell her different.

In other words its not how people see you, its how you see yourself!!

We are all beautiful in our own way! We need to take a bit of Renee and put it in our lives!

Happy birthday

Some days you have bad days. Some days you have good days. Some days you have alright, i’m just plodding along, days.

Today is a hard day.

Not a bad day, nothing has gone wrong, just certain days in the year where its an anniversary or a birthday of a loved one who is no longer around.

Yeah today is one of them.

They suck.

You want to remember them but how? How can you celebrate when they’re no longer around? You go to the grave but realistically its a patch of grass. Well thats sometimes what i think. But i do feel closer there. Do you guys?

It is just a meh old day!

What is the best way of remembering someone? You write a letter, telling them how you feel, little thoughts that you’d tell them if they were here. What you would want to do with them, if they were still here. Plans that you have done recently that you know they would love to hear about. You would probably get them a daft old magnet that they would put on the pride of place on their fridge.

You just hope that some where out there, they are still celebrating their birthday!

Well i will look up at the moon tonight and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And just hope you hear me.

 

‘Life is like a sandwich..’

Just seen a quote which I think is brilliant!

‘Life is like a sandwich, you have to fill it’

I chuckled as I walked by and it’s stuck in my head since!

It’s true! A sandwich with nothing in it is pretty awful, plain, boring! Doesn’t get your taste buds going! The same as life. We have to fill our days, weeks as much as we can! Do different adventures, try new things, get out and about! Just so you fill it with people you love and do things you love with them!

Brilliant quote!

No.36

I am currently sat in a waiting room full of people waiting for blood tests. You come in and take a number and find a seat…like one big long queue! This is where you realise you’re just a number.

Looking around the room, there is all sorts of people, old, young, male, female. Some people look really poorly, some people look well. But we all have one thing in common, we are waiting!

Waiting for somebody to call our number, not know our history, and take our blood! I hate it! I feel so powerless and weak! That’s my blood your shooting down that hole! Now I’m carrying on with my day with a couple of pots less!!!

I wonder what these peoples stories are! Where are they from, I wonder why they’re having blood tests. Are they really poorly? Some people look sad, some are smiling, or at least trying to smile!

Oh got to go they’ve called me. No.36 I am known as.